Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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