Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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