he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
