just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
