Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
