i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just had sex on a roof
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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