Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
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