Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
