Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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