I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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