you traded sex for a burrito?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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