Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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