I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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