If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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