My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize