addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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