Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
worst night to have a conscience
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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