I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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