you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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