it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize