You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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