something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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