Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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