sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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