I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
