cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The beer is more important than you right now.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize