just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
