I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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