I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
