Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize