I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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