why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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