Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i don't like sucking hair
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
