I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
