does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
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