I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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