His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
