HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
