I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
