i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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