What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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