3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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