She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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