she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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