I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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