I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
