no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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