highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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