I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
