he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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