i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
