I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
