I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
