life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
