So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
