im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize