her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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